Scene 9
What is true love? What makes someone fall in love? In my experience, I have learned true love is brain chemistry. It’s the emotional level of understanding who someone is, and absolutely adoring them for it. Or, in other terms, the most production of oxytocin. When I’ve felt true love the strongest, it was always the people who wanted to understand how to love me. Which wasn’t many…. Someone who possessed the willingness because they truly wanted to and in turn, I truly loved them.
Story time
Some time ago I had a fiancé. He was my settler and the contentment I felt when I was with him, was too comforting to pass up. What derived from my weakest point in life, I completely thought was real. Especially because I had someone painting the illusion, they unconditionally loved me. It wasn’t until I got away from him. He said, “Don’t expect anyone to be honest with you; we are all liars,” it all clicked. I felt like a fool. But alas, some part of me already knew. There was only one solution while sitting on a staircase, sailing from Baltimore to Boston. “We’re over,” I said. I felt nothing. As if a switch turned off within me.
Before that, however, I wanted to lift him up; his dreams and desires. I set out to find a job that would financially secure his education and save money on top of that. I had victoriously accepted a job working on a cruise ship as a fine-dining steward, which was the perfect solution. Not only was this a golden opportunity, but my soul tugged me there because it knew what I hadn’t heard. I was subconsciously drowning my feelings for the man spooning behind me, because he wasn’t feeding me anything emotionally.
After training, everyone was assigned a boat and we only had 72 hours to pack and be on our planes. A few flights, a bus ride to the shores of Cambridge Massachusetts later…. I stepped into the next year of my life and was not prepared. My heart pounding… the excitement taking a hold of every nerve… I walked with my sunglasses on and my combat boots falling apart.
“Hi! My name is Olivia!”
I shut the door and me and my bunkmate started socializing. The slow gentle rock of the ship being on the water made me feel more than at home. Along with the refreshing psychotic energy she gave off, any doubt I was feeling previously melted away. We made our way to the common room in our uniforms, where we met up with our Hotel Manager.
“You’re on salt and pepper.” They said, pointing to a small table.
Following the gesture, I looked over and there I saw him. A familiarity came over me as I vaguely scanned his face. I started to walk over right as the surface beneath my feet started moving. The sound of clanking chains scraping against the sands underwater, was a new one for me. I sat down with haste. His small laughter filled my ears. I looked back at him processing his features: short, blond. And after he introduced himself, I was instantly infatuated. I peered into his eyes…. Now I understood what Taylor Swift’s definition of blue looked like. The kind that ever changes with the tides… so blue… so dense—that was him.
“My name is Ali.”
“Aye, Ali. Welcome to Satan’s asshole.”
I chuckled and started to fill the table shakers with salt and pepper. We hardly spoke, though we communicated very well. I gathered he was a no nonsense, hardworking, frat boy. And the faster we started to fill the containers, the more I knew it was on. Wanting to impress him, I paid no mind to the tickle in my nose the pepper was giving off. I exclaimed a witty comment now and again and he seemed to feed off of that energy well. After filling the last shaker, not ever sneezing once, he said, “hope to see you around.” I was not paying attention though. I was in a panic, running to the back all because the peppercorns did in-fact, get to me.
As boat life proceeded and we all got more acquainted with each other, we became friends. But the more I saw, the more I realized he did just for me. He made me forget everything that was waiting for me. He opened my eyes to how someone you care about should be treated; Austin became more of a memory.
That Irish guy and I bonded over heavy metal Irish (some love) songs. We spent much time on Top Deck, dancing while the wind whipped around us. We indulged in stolen food and wine, and our cigarette breaks was a new tranquility I never wanted to leave. I can’t remember the last time I had so much fun with one person. That Irish Guy became my new favorite kind of quality time. He challenged me on everything and broke my way of thinking down only to rebuild it with the best intentions.
The job itself was fun. However, I don’t think I would have made it as long if he hadn’t been there. The environment and working conditions were abysmal. Crying in the walk-in freezer became a tradition from humor due to the amount of stress we dealt with. It brought on bouts of anger you’ve never experienced before and made you rethink a lot of things. Every other bad experience suddenly did not compare and yet, we had managed to find comfort in each other’s presence being in this beautiful place of misery. That Irish Guy yanked my arm in the direction I was stalling, and the number of amazing things we did together made me feel so new… so free and alive.
While we went for a break on the docks of Martha’s Vineyard, we walked around exploring what this little island had to offer. He held my hand for the first time and the butterflies took off of what only I can describe as, ‘middle school love.’ We found a small gazebo with a little bit of a water shore, so we stopped to check it out. At the first smell of the fresh sea air, I couldn’t help but take off. Kicking off my shoes and the wind blowing past my ears, I looked back to see if he was following. Time felt like it had stopped; his smile while leaning against the pillar was something out of a movie. Pure joy and amazement in one daring look, I giggled and yelled, “Come on!”
“The push, the pull, the feeling of complete fearlessness… the chills, the means, the soft touch followed by a tough clench, he caught me off guard…”
He lifted me up in every way and as we laid on the hard shells of the unique shore, just the two of us, he leaned in and kissed me. I got caught up in the magic we were creating together, I forgot how to breathe. Suddenly, a flashback to a night we were sailing came into my mind’s eye…. We had shared some substances and a great chef’s meal. I sat, trying to light my cigarette against the wind while he stood and gave me a homie dome. On the inhale of the sweet tobacco, he grabbed my face. Not in a way of domination, in the way of something more seriously gentle. He looked into my eyes, and I could hardly blink. Whatever words were shared from me before this moment, I only vaguely remembered.
“I see you,” was all he said.
He dropped his hand and stood back, grabbing my lighter and getting his off with ease. I stared with a slow smirk as the gears turned in my head… over and over. I knew what he was referring to, and it was something no one has ever cared to put together. Under the moon shining bright, coming through the dim yellow ambiance, the colors glowing through his white T-shirt created a natural hue to his figure. Sturdy and broad with crazy in the blue, I responded, “Oh yeah? What has been discovered?” I exhaled.
That moment coming back to me, as his soft lips met mine, I grabbed his face allowing the passion to sneak into the moment. I wanted him, I wanted everything he offered.
Just like every fairytale, the story is not complete without an ending.
We continued to burn our passionate love for each other as our contracts allowed. But like any fable, we ended when we decided to move forward:
We both had aligned our vacations at the same time, to see what Boston had to offer on the 4th of July. It started out great; we drank fabulous wine, ate expensive cheese and cheesed in each other’s arms as the fireworks went off. But something appeared to be missing. He realized it before I did, because we had communicated it without talking. Just looking at the sad longing filling our faces at once, we realized we were not compatible, and no amount of chemistry could change that.
The daydreams we would come up with and the future of hope and happiness we were longing for with each other, gave me comfort that I was going to be okay. Even if we never worked past our shared job experiences, he made me feel okay again and I became grateful to him. Not only did he teach me this and to question everything from a critical thinking point of view, but he also reminded me to stand proud in whatever conviction I wanted.
I often wondered what true love left like and where you found that kind of love, and I found my answer the moment I met That Irish Guy. And I realized he is the only man I can trust riding a slow motorcycle through the wonderful narrow streets of Martha’s Vineyard. I knew he was the only man I would ever want to talk to for 11 days straight with an awful accent just to win a bet (I totally won by the way), and he will only ever be the man I would sit across from at a random Irish bar in the middle of Boston, singing “Rose Tattoo.”
It made us both sad realizing our future was bleak the more we planned for ourselves. We were on different paths in this journey of life and we both had to accept, we were a mere stopping point to take a break. However, I will never forget what he had taught me. I would not change everything or exchange what we had shared for anything in this world, because it was priceless.
I went back to the man who never gave me any thrill: no spark, no love, no sign of respect. He had screwed me over while I was on the boat with the lying, deceit, random girls he never explained and destroying my credit by not paying the bills—I found out only before my disappearance. But I never got angry. Mayhap we both knew while being away we weren’t meant to be, I just had to be the one to say it first.
If you meet someone who wants to learn how to love you and respect you, and above all, wants to see you succeed and be happy regardless of if it was with him, hold on for as long as you can and recognize your worth. Remember the feeling and don’t trade in your values for the sliver of comfort all because your life was harder in the moment. Life is fucking hard so surround yourself with unconditional love, learn from mistakes and plan for a path better. And if your lover happens to be compatible with you, it only makes everything grander.
Bositos.
