Scene 10
As humans, it is almost impossible to withhold a first judgment on someone. A first glance-know-all, is something our brains do automatically from years of conditioning and influence; within seconds we think we have someone all figured out. And unfortunately, that first judgment, to which could be completely false, is the only thing they will associate you with and cancel you for on arrival. I don’t know what their first judgment was for me, but it must have not been good for my role in everyone’s lives was nothing short of being the punching bag. However, I adapted quickly and realized if I wanted to be around people my age, I had to suck it up and carry on as if I’ve been one of them all along.
My family moved to Arizona from California around 2003 where I was homeschooled for most of my youth. I was eager and happy to meet potential new friends and excited to show them anything new I was into. From wearing big sunglasses, rocking colored wristbands for the aesthetic, to being very bright towards learning and asking questions. Not only was I the youngest, I was the newest arrival since years previously. Everyone already seemed established and knew where they belonged. Isn’t that always the case? Only in movies, I thought, did kids come across being so cruel towards a new-comer… but no. Had I known being myself was going to be the pinnacle of my sad existence in everyone else’s life, I would have stayed home.
“Big eyes,” he called me.
“Horse fly,” she screamed.
“Tie her to a chair,” they did and left me out in the rain.
But nothing seemed funnier than my, “friends,” sneezing as they walked by because they claimed to be allergic to stupid people…. It was backlashes I dealt with too soon. The armor on my skin was still soft and crying in the bathroom (or in the back of my mother’s vehicle) was a normal thing I hid often. I didn’t know why they were being so rude. I thought parents were supposed to teach their kids consequences; do bad and expect bad things. But how could that be with them as a homeschooler? Truth is that connotations mean nothing. Homeschooled or not, it is what kids do because What could I have done? Nothing besides exist…. Fucking pathetic.
“Don’t be so sensitive then.”
– Friends.
“Don’t cry, you will just give them more reason.”
– My Best Friend.
“It’s your fault they continue if you choose to fight back.”
– Bully’s Mother.
No one wanted to understand why everything was damaging to me, even my mother. I stopped asking for help and I carried on slowly building up my sheath with every blow they dealt. Physically harmed, verbally taunted, not being invited to the cool-kids table, and dealing with my best friend’s brother who seemed to be the ringleader of everyone around. All of it changed my character in ways I never noticed in the moment—I began to grow up with the mentality that you should never show a sign of weakness or else you will get butchered.
“Match their aggression and make them feel as every bit of worthless as they do to you everyday. But, you’re gonna have to be better, you have to be more clever, more witty, be more intuitive.”
I trickled into the future growing years past everyone else because of my new way of surviving. I understood who they were and how not to be and I played my character well.
“You’re too mean.”
– Friends.
“It’s okay, you can rant to me.”
– My Best Friend.
“You weren’t invited to this, this, and this because no one likes how mean you are.”
– Bully’s Mother.
But I thought that is what you wanted? I was becoming one of them and I thought I was finally accepted? I didn’t know everyone started to hate me for their same projections by the time I was 12 years old, I felt like I only had my best friend to lean on.
Moving into the end of my preteens, I knew who I was in the moment of knowing who I was. I didn’t care if they invited me or not. I became the witty one, I smirked at my reflection as a reaction to my own thoughts and it turned into burning anyone who stood in my way long enough. However, it was just me and my best friend and it started to feel like I was out-growing everyone else, and eventually even her. I started to get bored and crave a different kind of adventure. Someone whom I barely talked to throughout the years, made my acquaintance again and she talked in wonder about the middle school she was sworn into. It seemed, even perhaps, a lot of those kids you saw in the background were also attending this school. Maybe they were all running away too.
“Welcome! I think you will fit in great here.”
– My Advisor.
“Hey, what’s your name? I love your bracelets, and your jeans!”
– New Friends.
“We push our students here because we want them to be great leaders and learn how to stand up for themselves; face your fears.”
– Co-Principals.
It felt like I had entered the real hippie environment, the real peace and love, and the real support system that was automatically given to me. I became a more welcoming person and as I compared both lifestyles in that moment, I never wanted to go back. Though when the old group extended their hand, I made the effort to go. I figured showing up only by invitation made those memories more enjoyable and a bit more of a, fuck you.
However, at some point, they dropped the traumatic act of bullying, at least in obvious terms, and everyone seemed to forget about who they were. They finally accepted me as if I passed some form of initiation and I went from kicking and screaming, to being a regular Chandler with a major attitude. I also dabbled a lot more in the realm of love and my best friend welcomed the idea that I could be in both realities. Slightly disappointed there was no more room for revenge, I started to enjoy hanging out with them for the first time, anyway. I could not shake the gut-wrenching feeling, though, that something bad was happening in the background and I couldn’t put my finger on it for the longest time.
Phone rings.
It was Monkey… why is he calling me? It’s not like we were close. In fact, he was Dumbos biggest fan..
“Hello?”
“Hey, I have to tell you something.”
“How blunt of you. I’m surprised you’re calling me at all. Isn’t this going to upset your leader?”
“Oh please, I am actually trying to help you.”
“Oh? What is it?”
“It’s bad and I feel like you should finally know.” I was getting annoyed with his suspense.
“Out with it!””Your current best friend in the homeschool group, she hasn’t been your friend for a long time. Did you know she’s been talking bad about you behind your back?”
Here it was… the years of uneasiness, the notices of back handed comments from people over the years.. “.. at least I don’t lie to my best friend..”… the time she overstepped boundaries and warded it off as ignorance… it was all making sense and part of me was always trying to tell me.
“What? When did it start? Have you been talking since middle school?”
“Around there, maybe a few years before that.”
“What would she say?” Now was my opportunity to get as much information as I could. I NEEDED to know who she was.
“Because you wore those bracelets when younger, she set the stage to make you out as a whore.”
“A whore? As if that’s an insult.” I laughed a little.
“She called you a walking STD, and that because you don’t date anyone long enough, it’s because you slept with their friends or, you slept with them too soon and you were bad in bed, shit like that.”
“The audacity… and I am sure Dumbo ate it up and spread it like wildfire because, I am the worst of them all, right?”
“She’s been trying to edge you out for a while. Reasons to which I do not know.”
“Hmm… I only have speculation. Does this have anything to do with me going off to high school instead?”
“That certainly didn’t help, in her eyes anyway.”
“So, just sleeping around with anyone I can get my hands on because somehow she was feeling left out, ignored, used perhaps…” Now I was mainly talking to myself. All the things I could think of, were petty waste of time and for her to hold onto weird shit, was her showing the naive nature her brain was still operating on.
“Was that all?”
“Do you really want to know?”
“No.” I said thank you and hung up.
Knowing what was happening came to me as a relief, but it was still a face-shattering realization that the one person who was your shoulder, your ear to borrow and someone who wasn’t always perfect, but you loved them because they were still there for you, was the sole cause for the strife you endured all those years. I sat with this information for weeks, thinking about what to do with it. Do I confront her? Do I just break it off and call it a day well spent? I decided to hold onto the “keep your enemies close,” advice as I went into college. I knew eventually she would slip up in her fake friendship and I wanted to be in the front row of the complete destruction.
