Scene 8
“Hiraeth” – Longing, yearning, wanting a home that does not exist.
I feel a sense of euphoria when I read the definition to Hiraeth. My mind wanders and I see colors of blue, purple, yellow, dashes of red. A girl taking her father’s car to the most northern part of the States because, she wanted to. I envision her head resting on the side of a greyhound bus, soaking in the sights of tall grass as she transitions from one place to the next….
I have always been this way; never wanting to settle, never wanting to stop moving because that’s how your soul dies.
When I meet other travelers, I feel their vibrations. Nomads exude a different kind of energy that seems both pure and annoying. But I will always admire those who carry this mentality. Because they hold it close to heart. They know what it’s like to experience a magnificent place but want to leave in search of the next spot too soon, and I feel that all too well. It was always the pull I felt from my inner self telling me, “It’s time,” before making the decision for a better outcome. Never has the saying, “Home is what you make it,” ever meant something to me before. I developed a new sense of independence that went way beyond just moving out of my parent’s house.
Coinciding with being able to travel, it was being able to travel alone and be alone. I grew up knowing never to rely on others because, the more I fought to fit in and be accepted as an equal, the more push back I got.
I realized, what separates a lot of us when it comes down to resiliency; physically and most importantly, emotionally, is being able to have the ability to be alone doing extravagant things. In order to feel connected to oneself, you have to understand yourself: the way you react, why you react harsher to some circumstances over others, the way you communicate to others, the way you think and perceive the world around you…. Only accomplished if alone because there’s no one else to blame. You can’t have the space to be a freethinker if you’re surrounded by people who don’t understand the process, or who are just simply behind you in yours. I am grateful I was able to get in my car and drive anywhere:
- Washington
- California
- Portland, Oregon
- Nevada
Florida is so beautiful and if you get the chance to eat fresh coconut with Jamaicans in Miami, I highly recommend it.
While I was passionately seeing the world, a lot of my peers were settling down; having kids and scraping what little cash they could to make rent—I hate seeing people settle. They carry on building a life for themselves when they have no idea what life is. Society has built us up to think we can’t survive as single individuals, we need THAT partner, we need a social group, we need community… but not if you don’t stand in line and march. I’m going to say that’s bullshit. Being alone doesn’t have to be sad and you absolutely don’t need external validation from anyone in order to be and maintain happiness, meaningful relationships with others. However, I will say, humans can and do thrive better in those situations, but as long as the situation was created out of love. Everyone can achieve community and meaningful relationships while being independent.
I almost became that unhappy lost soul following societal norms. I became the broken one when my mother kicked me out of the house, and my father didn’t try to stop it. We got together in my time of crisis and when my last attempt failed to continue on with this lifestyle. I came back with my tail down needing more stability. The rough patch I went through after this, made me want to hold onto any slice of comfort I could get in an uncomfortable situation. Being clouded didn’t last long, fortunately.
As I spoke previously, my soul saved me. It tugged in a direction I didn’t know existed at the time, and that’s the only positive I gained being with my fiancé. I accepted a job on a cruise ship and once again, being alone, being away from stagnant unhappy pricks, I was reminded why I thrived better constantly being on the move.
Once back out into the world, I was doing better than when I first started. I was eating fresh crab off the docks in Maryland, riding on a scooter through the streets of Martha’s Vinyard. I took boat onto the shores of Bar Harbor to enjoy the best ice cream I’ve ever had and threw a crab and lobster eating party on the grassy grounds of Boothbay. Which, I had no idea such places existed. My favorite, however, was being able to enjoy some white wine with a man I adore while planning life after stewardship.
And most of all, it made me realize what I wanted. I broke up with my fiancé not even halfway through my contract. Now no longer worried if he would approve or if I stayed an extra week somewhere, if that would have triggered him, I seized every opportunity.
Places I’ve Been Because of the Boat Job
- Portland, MAINE
- Boston, MA
- Cambridge, MA
- Provincetown, MA
- Nantucket, MA
- Oaks Bluffs, MA
- New Bedford, MA (someone from the boat I worked on died here.)
- Fall River, RI (probably not worth mentioning.)
- Bristol, RI
- Newport, RI
- Washington, D.C.
- The Hudson River
- Annapolis, MD
- St. Michaels, MD
- Baltimore, MD
- Norfolk, VA
- Beaufort, SC
- Hilton Head, SC
- Charleston, NC
- Savannah, GA
Another lesson learned the hard way and I experienced many great adventures I wouldn’t otherwise have had. I made a few long-lasting relationships that I would not trade in for the world. And it opened the door to me exploring Boston on 4th of July.
As I sat there…. That Irish Guy staring back at me, reeling every waking moment in my spare time… I felt like I finally knew what happiness was. Not just with being with someone else, but true love for myself. And all without the material Ferraris, fancy hotels, or even a loving family and friends to get me there. Exploring hidden caves, walking down local ally’s. Taking the time to develop meaningful relationships without sexual expectations, and spending money on eating new things. It was the life I’ve always wanted.
I created the community I wanted by being bold enough to create my journey. I was my own cheerleader when I needed her the most and I am forever grateful that I trusted her enough. Your gut is always trying to tell you what’s right, and we need to start listening more. Not for anyone else but for we because you only have yourself to rely on when everyone else decides differently.
Because of this Hiraeth, I have traveled to many wonderful places, and I have learned a lot about myself along the way. I will stop now.
Ali Ryerse
