Scene 7
Does my happiness exist? If it does, where? Is it learned only? Or are you born knowing how to be happy? Like how you can be born depressed and broken? Will it take my entire life trying to be happy? Or can I live in total bliss all the time? Is life worth the effort?
Psych Notes
I was 16. Unhappy and manic. I was sitting in psychology class, and my professor was talking about happiness. Something made me pay attention because happiness had been something I was struggling with for a long time. I remember what he said fondly:
“Happiness is only obtained from within and if you can’t find it where you are, you will never know it elsewhere.”
Teacher
After hearing what he said, a flash back came to me that made everything much clearer.
I was fortunate to have and do a lot of the things general kids my age couldn’t. I got to hang out when my friends were, eat what they were eating. Spend the night at my best friend’s house when I wanted and my father took the time, he did not have, to build me a 4-room dollhouse out of oak wood. It appeared I had everything. But, without a doubt I was writing in my journal, “If I don’t wake up tomorrow, that’s okay.” At 6 years old.
I was running from something. Sometimes you can’t put your finger on it. But over time your subconscious begins to make decisions for you in the form of feelings, and adrenaline. If you listen, you can start to learn and realize why. Why there was never a moment where I’d call my existence truly happy… and it was because of her.
When you have an unpredictable parent, your brain develops in a constant state of hypertension, which leads to mental hypertension. There was not a single happy soul living in here. Everyone was too busy trying to prepare themselves for her mass destruction over nothing. My sadness was strong, and if you believe in womb theory, she was probably that way too.
I was always in my room. I never voluntarily went to hang out with her. The only constant interaction we had, was when she wanted to hurt me. I didn’t know what true happiness was… no one did.
Once we had moved, however, life started to look forward. I became more social and started to learn how to make friends. Finally, 7 years old I was already on my own, in a park, still alone with my thoughts. However, too shy to attempt to approach the clicks, I interacted with a lot of stand-alone kids. Then, we would go home and be miserable. This pattern was always there. When around other people, it was like The Brady Bunch, but behind closed doors, it was this miserable island of abuse and mental challenges. I was only smiling a lot in the hopes it would make me feel more whole. I was now I’m 10.
Until we started to attend more fruitful events. Like craft parties, quilt classes, pool parties, group sports, city street fairs and events etc. Life became very enjoyable, and I was able to find the joy in the things I did. And then, I made friends a lot easier. I even got a job as nanny. The childhood sadness faded with each passing year, and I began to understand happiness.
Happiness is the development after healing from hurtful trauma, scars and letting go of anger towards people who do not deserve it.
My Current Attitude
Life can quickly take this away. Usually by someone else and the cycle repeats. I constantly had to remind myself of that feeling over again. The beauty of being able to live and cultivate anything we desire in this world, has joy and the feeling of bliss already existing within it. That is why I love creating, writing, and doing what I do.
The only thing I found to be true, is once you find what makes you happy, the happiness from others only enhances. Above and beyond your wildest dreams and not the other way around.
Not only have these things helped me understand the feelings and changes happening internally, but they also helped me get over some of my most traumatic experiences from high school. And once I made the connection from my therapists’ simple quote, I was able to realize trauma cuts a deeper wound and clouds our judgement when it comes to wanting to be happy. I now know, it takes more energy and effort to stay consumed by your trauma than it is to heal and move on down a path you deserve.
I now believe if you are not working on bettering yourself, falling in love with yourself, and creating a life and environment you are proud to call home, you will never be close to the happy goal no matter how much money or things you have.
Don’t be too quick to blame others just to avoid the slight discomfort of healing. I know the thought of not wanting to be happy, because I had been unhappy for so long—is easier to live with and I know for me, any negative experience felt like a reassurance. But it is not that way. Especially if these worthless feelings are coming from other people.
I was dragging and hoping that the people feeding me the negative energy would change, because there was nothing physically bringing me down, but at the end of the day, someone else’s loathing for the life they chose is not your responsibility nor should you allow that to impact your own life. We only get one earth experience and to waste it seems more tragic than death itself. I only wish others to want to be so independent and not just from a physical standpoint.
So, does my happiness exist? Yes, but only if I want it to.
